McDonalds executives, who were still picking their jaws up off the floor after witnessing the companys stock price surge faster than a drive-thru order on a slow Tuesday night, couldnt believe the meteoric rise. I think weve finally found our new marketing strategy, said a McDonalds spokesperson. Forget celebrity endorsements or TikTok influencerswere thinking about giving Trump a permanent fry position. Heck, well even rename the Big Mac to the Trump Tower Special if this keeps up.
It all started innocently enough. Trump, on a campaign stop through Pennsylvania, decided to trade in his suit jacket for a McDonalds apron, instantly reminding America of his love for fast food. The former president, who has often expressed his admiration for McDonalds during his time in office, stepped behind the counter, flipped a few burgers, and claimed to be making McDonalds great again.
You can trust me. Nobody makes fries better than me. Nobody. Ive always said, if I wasnt a billionaire, Id be here running the best McDonalds in the world, Trump declared to a bewildered but excited crowd. They say Kamala worked at McDonalds, but can she make fries like this? I dont think so!
And apparently, America agreed. Within minutes of the visit, images of Trump flipping burgers and handing out fries at the drive-thru went viral on social media, and the McDonalds stock ticker exploded like a packet of ketchup stepped on in the parking lot
Financial analysts have been left scrambling, desperately trying to explain how a single presidential fry-cook stunt could send the companys value soaring by 200%. This is unprecedented, said one bewildered stock market analyst. Were used to seeing small gains from celebrity appearances, but this is on a whole different level. Its as if Trump deep-fried the entire stock market and turned it golden brown.
Trump himself, never one to shy away from taking credit, quickly seized the opportunity. I knew this would happen, folks, he told the crowd. McDonalds was great, but now its greater. Were talking huge gains. The biggest youve ever seen. And believe me, I know gains. Some onlookers speculated that if Trump continues his fast-food visits, he might single-handedly rescue the entire economy through the power of McDonalds alone.
In an effort to capitalize on the unexpected boost, McDonalds corporate headquarters is reportedly considering renaming some of their menu items after the former president. Ideas like the Trump Tower Deluxe burger and Covfefe Coffee Combo are already being floated. There are even rumors that McDonalds is in talks to roll out a new Trump Value Meal, which includes a Big Mac, fries, a Diet Coke, and a side of American pride.
But Trumps impact on McDonalds doesnt stop at fries and burgers. Reports suggest that Wall Street analysts are now predicting a nationwide surge in fast-food sales as other chains rush to capitalize on the Trump Fast Food Phenomenon. Wendys has reportedly hired a new team of advisors to figure out how they can get Trump behind their counter, while Burger King is allegedly drafting a proposal to make him honorary Burger King for a day.
Even Subway isnt safe, with rumors of Trump planning to build a footlong sandwich that Mexico will pay for circulating rapidly.
Not everyone is pleased by the Trump-McDonalds partnership, least of all Vice President Kamala Harris. As the story goes, Harris famously worked at a McDonalds during her college years and has even referenced her time there during campaign stops. Naturally, the Trump team has been quick to challenge this narrative.
Kamala said she worked here? Sure, she did. Fake news, folks, Trump reportedly quipped during his McDonalds shift, as the stock price ticked upward once more. Ive been here for five minutes, and I already know the fry machine better than her. They call me the fry guy now.
In response, Harris released a brief statement, saying, While I did work at McDonalds, my role was about more than flipping burgersit was about learning the values of hard work and service. But if he wants to compete on who makes better fries, Im ready for a fry-off.
A fry-off challenge might just be what the nation needs to heal its divisionsa bipartisan showdown on the grill of democracy.
While many celebrated McDonalds soaring success, critics quickly labeled the event as little more than a distraction. Some pointed out that McDonalds stocks may have risen, but the countrys biggest issueslike healthcare and income inequalityremain unresolved. Sure, McDonalds is booming, but what about the rest of America? tweeted one critic.
Undeterred, Trump fired back, McDonalds is America. If McDonalds wins, America wins. And right now, were winning big. Were going to win so much, youll get tired of winningunless youre hungry, then have a burger.
Speculation is now swirling about whats next for McDonalds. Will Trump make fast food a central pillar of his re-election campaign? Will McDonalds take over other industries? Could we see Trump-inspired Happy Meals with collectible Trump figurines in every box?
One things for sure: McDonalds isnt just lovin ittheyre thriving. In a press release, McDonalds acknowledged the incredible boost Trump has provided, hinting at future collaborations. This is only the beginning of whats to come, the statement read. McDonalds and Trump: The perfect combo meal.
In a world where politics and fast food collide, anything seems possible. And as McDonalds continues to fry up success, only one question remains: Will anyone ever be able to compete with Trumps magical fry-cooking powers?
As the man himself would say, Nobody does fast food better than me, believe me.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, its not true.